Funny

"Ah! how annoying that the law doesn't allow a woman to change husbands just as one does shirts."

"Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker."

"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."

"It's not true I had nothing on, I had the radio on."

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

 

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.